Ruby&Ruch

It’s easier for your dog to understand Cicero than for a poor man to deal with governments. The proverbs of O’Shaunessy Ch2 L 10-11

Si può ottenere solo sangue da un politico se si paga.
Old Scicilian saying

It is with great relief and a sense of profound joy that I can announce that we are several hundred euros poorer than we were yesterday. Thank God! Those euros are a heavy note, all those countries gathered together on the one piece of paper really weigh you down, and they’re imbued with the characteristics of each one,from the upright Germans with their ‘save for a monsoon in Berlin policy’ to the Italian ‘what’s tax?’ ethic, and all the avenues inbetween where those naughty euros can disappear into accounts less regular.

Yes, the Carte Griselda has arrived, the government has had its hand in my pocket and lightened my load – can I get an ‘allelujah’?.

But, was it hard?

Well, when it was mooted to Hercules that he might complete a few ‘tasks’ I’m sure that he wasn’t thinking that he’d be asked to mop the kitchen or maybe put up some shelves, and although I notice that God called it a day after a week and that included a day off, we are talking supreme being here.

With that in mind I think we can say that we’re not in the world of Greek myth or earth moving. Nope what we have here is the more nerve jangling world of Kafka and I suppose I should have been ready for it after the famous occasion where we needed a form to prove that we didn’t need some other form.

It may be the case that God thought that the ten rules were enough and we should all just get on with it from there but it seems that was a massive disappointment for governments, tax accountants et al.

Firstly, don’t believe the English DVLA when they tell you what the French system will accept. This is a blindingly obvious thing to say but it passed me by.

No the French will not just accept the 5c document.

Yes you can email the export office. Although we were told you could only post or fax. Fax! They obviously missed carrier pigeon and telepathy.

Second, just because you’ve sent the section 11 to the DVLA to say you’ve exported your car don’t sit back and think that the V561 is in the bag – it isn’t. The piece of paper you sent back just tells them you’ve exported your car it doesn’t say ‘and incidentally you can send me the appropriate form back i.e. V561’. To get that you have to send a different form that say (you’ve guessed I’m sure) ‘I’ve exported my car please send me a V561’.

Thirdly, proof of residence. Well if you’re in France the is NOTHING that says this is my address better than an EDF bill. De Gaulle could come back to life and want to insure his car but without the sanction of EDF he would be wasting his time.

Fourth, MOT or equivalent. Just because you’ve just had this done and it lasts for a year in the U.K. And the French equivalent actually lasts for two years, if the former is over six months old you’ll need an in country test.

Fifth, I read up and was cheerfully told I could do it at the Mairie. Nope, so off to the Sous- Prefecture to witness the quiet death of French motorists sitting and waiting – a little like how I imagined dead elves in Tolkien must await the end of the world, take a seat, take the weight off, and wait, and wait. Ah but here’s the rub, they can’t do it either – aha got you! Off to the Prefecture with you, that’s where it’s all happening this was only purgatory.

In actual a fact you can just get a vast dossier together and send it in the post, that’s what we did in the end.

Six, the dossier comes back. You will have calculated the fee incorrectly. If you didn’t –  you, sir, are some kind of genius. Calculating the fee is based on an equation (so far so good), it was probably when I got to the number of cv’s the car has that the mist really descended, that and the fact they added a tax on that was not included in the equation but they would have told us about at the prefecture if we’d have gone.

Seven, resend using their numbers and adding any other information required. Inside leg measurement is a good one to know, that and a stab at Fermat’s last theorem. Say a little prayer. A long one is better.

Eight, await cheery postman with your recorded delivery letter.

Nine, restart your car insurance negotiations. Remember you only have six months before they unilaterally decide everybody else has had time enough to get through, so crack on.

However, no one died. I got fed up and a lot older, summer turned to winter which turned to a wet and windy spring, but could it be done quicker?

Undoubtedly.

Buy a French car in the first place.
Get somebody else to deal with the whole thing and go on a cruise.
Be ‘friends’ with the right people. Although the costs of this approach could be variable.
Don’t bother with a car. This isn’t really an option in rural France, and you’ll need a trailer as well so get that sorted pronto.
So, labyrinthine is probably the best description. Any self respecting chess grandmaster will have no issues and as for the rest of us remember O’Shaunessy’s second and third law:

• The power required by the tractor is proportional to the depth of mud.
• All forms require a good deal of thinking about before you give them to somebody else.